Focus on Feelings

Courtesy of Miryam León

In my work with parents, the most common question I am asked is, “What should we do?” It is normal for parents to want practical, solution-focused ways to help their children and reinforce the work they are doing in therapy at home. While my response is often more abstract than parents might like, I always encourage them to search for the feelings behind their children’s words and behaviors. 

It might sound overly simple, but acknowledging the feelings that are driving your child’s behavior and communicating that you understand those feelings will truly speak volumes. No matter your child’s age or developmental stage, this display of empathy will show that you are attuned to them and that you value their perspective. It leads them to feel seen, heard, and appreciated.  

Shannon gave a beautiful overview of attachment and the vital role it plays in young people’s development in her last blog post (I highly recommend checking it out here if you have not already). Children who are securely attached to their caregivers feel safe and confident as they move through the world. Attachment theorists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth asserted that securely attached children have the assurance of a safe haven during difficult times and a secure base to refer back to as they grow and explore. In order for children to develop secure attachments, they have to feel like their caregivers see and support their internal world. 

So, what does this look like in practice? 

Be mindful as you actively listen to what your child is saying. Instead of planning out your response in your head, try to remain present and pick up on the emotions in what your child is describing. A favorite professor of mine at Vanderbilt always said that every feeling can be boiled down to one of six core emotions: mad, sad, glad, scared, embarrassed, and ashamed. Ask yourself which of these feelings your child is experiencing, and then reflect it back to them.

For instance, let’s say you ask your child about their day at school, and they tell you they had a disagreement with a friend. Your response could be something like, “It sounds like you are feeling sad about it. I know how much their friendship means to you. Do you want to talk about it?” Your first instinct might be to ask them what happened, which is natural. However, starting the conversation by communicating your interest in their feelings about the situation will demonstrate your care and concern for them.  

One of the most important things to remember as you practice reflecting your child’s emotions is to pay attention to the reactions you feel in your body throughout the conversation. If your child is angry about something, you might start to notice your muscles tensing up and your heart rate increasing. You are feeling angry as well, and you may be more inclined to respond accordingly. Before you respond, take a breath and notice what is going on in your body. This will give you the chance to self-regulate, meet your child in their anger, and then help them feel more regulated as well. 

If you are an avid podcast listener like me, check out the following episode for more on this approach to parenting: Joyful Courage Parenting Podcast with Casey O’Roarty: Episode 215: “The Power of Showing Up with Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Bryson”